TO-WIT: J’RECUSE

by S. Sponte, Esq.

Well, by now you all know what happened at the call of the list; there is no need to go over it again. Yes, I did fling some epithets at His Honor, followed by my briefcase, but I was having a bad day, and now I’m going to tell you why.

It all started a few weeks ago when I received his order in the mail. At first I didn’t know what to say. Well, OK, I did, but it’s not printable. Although I held His Honor’s order in my hands, although its import was plain enough, although the print was readily discernible despite the violent shaking of the hands that held it, despite all that I still couldn’t believe it. His Honor had recused himself from my case and now it would have to be tried before a different His or Her Honor as yet unnamed.

I didn’t know who the new judge will be, but it didn’t matter. The damage has been done. Though our local bench is replete with able jurists, none is as close to me, as dear to me, as devoted, as beloved and as lifelong a trusted friend to me as the one who just stabbed me in the back.

“Because of my long standing friendship with plaintiff’s counsel” he had written, “and because it is known to me that plaintiff is a corporation which is owned substantially in part by plaintiff’s counsel, the ends of justice will be far better served, and the appearance of improprieties avoided, if I recuse myself from this case.” That’s what it said but that’s not what it meant.

What it meant was this: “After all these years of dear and devoted friendship with plaintiff’s counsel, I willfully and malevolently decline to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to cut him a break, to help him out in a case in which he could clearly use a favor. I further decline to return in even some small way a fractional part of the full measure of devotion and assistance he has always unstintingly offered to me, my career and my family, especially including my nephew Ralph who is something of a moron.”

I was stunned. Now if I was going to win this case it appeared that I would have to rely solely on my own skill and the merits of my client’s position. After almost 40 years of camaraderie and consortium with His Honor and his ilk, I deserved a far better fate than to be left entirely to my own devices. Plainly put, His Honor had simply abandoned me to the vagaries of justice. Now I ask you, what kind of friend does that to a guy?

No one understands better than I do the need to avoid the appearance of impropriety. I’m all for it mostly. But I don’t think I heretofore had any clue that such ethical considerations would make it impossible for me to get a favor from the court now and again. I guess I just never thought it through before.

It has been a couple weeks now since the incident, and the passage of time has allowed me to cool off and rethink my conduct. So has the contempt citation. Therefore, I apologize to His Honor and I’m glad there will be no permanent scar.

But things between us can never be the same again. No longer will I invite him as my friend to my parties, dinners, family gatherings; no more hockey or football tickets given out of love and respect. No, from this day forth until the end of time, I will do such things only so as to kiss his butt.

A hypocrite, you say? Perhaps. But after all, business is business, and for at least a few more years the guy’s still a judge.