head>eta name=Title content="TO-WIT: A NICER GUY">eta name=Keywords content="">eta http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=macintosh">eta name=ProgId content=Word.Document>eta name=Generator content="Microsoft Word 10">eta name=Originator content="Microsoft Word 10">ink rel=File-List href="sitsttay112_files/filelist.xml">itle>TO-WIT: A NICER GUY--[if gte mso 9]>o:DocumentProperties>DAVID MILLSTEINNormalJeff Malloy22002-04-02T19:59:00Z2002-04-02T19:59:00Z48494842-(Dr. Diet Mountain Dew)-409594610.1316/o:DocumentProperties>o:OfficeDocumentSettings>96800x600/o:OfficeDocumentSettings>xml>tyle>--* Font Definitions */ont-facefont-family:"Times New Roman";anose-1:0 2 2 6 3 5 4 5 2 3;so-font-charset:0;so-generic-font-family:auto;so-font-pitch:variable;so-font-signature:50331648 0 0 0 1 0;}ont-facefont-family:"Courier New";anose-1:0 2 7 3 9 2 2 5 2 4;so-font-charset:0;so-generic-font-family:auto;so-font-pitch:variable;so-font-signature:50331648 0 0 0 1 0;}* Style Definitions */MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormalmso-style-parent:"";argin:0in;argin-bottom:.0001pt;so-pagination:widow-orphan;ont-size:11.0pt;ont-family:"Courier New";}mso-style-next:Normal;argin:0in;argin-bottom:.0001pt;so-pagination:widow-orphan;age-break-after:avoid;so-outline-level:1;ont-size:11.0pt;ont-family:"Courier New";so-font-kerning:0pt;}MsoFooter, li.MsoFooter, div.MsoFootermargin:0in;argin-bottom:.0001pt;so-pagination:widow-orphan;ab-stops:center 3.0in right 6.0in;ont-size:11.0pt;ont-family:"Courier New";}MsoBodyTextIndent, li.MsoBodyTextIndent, div.MsoBodyTextIndentmargin-top:0in;argin-right:0in;argin-bottom:0in;argin-left:.5in;argin-bottom:.0001pt;ine-height:200%;so-pagination:widow-orphan;ont-size:11.0pt;ont-family:"Courier New";}age Section1size:8.5in 11.0in;argin:1.0in 1.0in .7in 1.0in;so-header-margin:.5in;so-footer-margin:.5in;so-even-footer:url(":sitsttay112_files:header.htm") ef1;so-footer:url(":sitsttay112_files:header.htm") f1;so-paper-source:0;}v.Section1page:Section1;}>style>head>body bgcolor=white lang=EN-US style='tab-interval:.5in'>div class=Section1>h1 style='line-height:200%'>TO-WIT: SIT! STAY!p class=MsoNormal>

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p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> by Sponte, Esq.

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p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Iuld tell when I woke up that it was going to be a typical lawyer-typey. Call it professionaltuition, call it clairvoyance, call it a virus, but I could tell. In a delusional effort to ward off theevitable, I even had my car washed on the way to work. However, I no sooner pulled into myrking space than the birds began circling ominously overhead. Coffee was not ready in the office, as secretary had a broken fingernail that took precedence, my 9:30 clients hadncelled their appointment for the sixth time in a row, and waiting for me on desk was an acerbic pink telephone slip from a judge saying sheÕd justnished reading my brief and wanted to know if I was serious or merely trying touse. Yes, it was going to be apical lawyer-type day.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Givene way things had started, what happened next should not have surprised. I received a call fromposing counsel in a pending child support modification hearing telling meat his client, the ex-husband and moving party, had refused my request tochange voluntarily any financial information before the hearing.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> ÒInÕt understand,Ó I said. ÒMyient is agreeable to whatever the support guidelines say. ItÕs possible we could avoid a hearingtogether.Ó

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> ÒIow,Ó he replied, ÒI told my client that, but heÕs being very difficult and InÕt control him. IÕm sorry, butat can I do?Ó

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Iercised the better part of valor and did not point out that a lawyer canways control a recalcitrant client by refusing to undertake or continue thepresentation. ItÕs such anvious solution that I am constantly amazed more colleagues havenÕt stumbledon it yet.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Nowter twenty-five years at the bar, I have come to the conclusion that therds ÒI canÕt control my clientÓ are the worst words, just the worst words, awyer can hear. Oh, there arehers that are troublesome, such as ÒYou remember that title you did for mefteen years ago?Ó and ÒIÕm going to tell your wife about us,Ó but when itmes right down to it, thereÕs really no contest. Whenever I hear from opposing counsel that he or she cannotntrol the client, I know how the Pompeians must have felt when they heard therds ÒI think sheÕs gonnaÕ blow.Ó

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Now a rule, I donÕt handle domestic cases anymore. However, this case is one I have had for a long time and it the only such case I have left. span>The divorce part has long been over, but I keep involved with themaining skirmishes in part because I like my client and in part because Iuly dislike her ex-husband. Back the days when I routinely handled such matters, I always welcomed the chance appear in a divorce proceeding opposite a party I didnÕt like. I am of the view that it was GodÕs way rewarding me for all the pro bono stuff I did.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Theinciple reason I donÕt do family law anymore is that it is far too oftenpossible to control the client, and such a situation is just too perniciousr all concerned. Control of theient is essential to the orderly flow of justice, especially if thereÕs antingency fee involved.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Iarned that lesson in my very first case. I represented the Plaintiff in an intersection accident andhad a settlement offer of $3500.00. span>My client however had it fixed in his head that he had sustainedar-fatal soft tissue injuries for which he should be compensated accordingly,d against my advice he turned it down. span>A panel of my colleagues serving as Arbitrators found for the Defendant,decision that, as far as I was concerned, rendered the first two syllables ofeir title superfluous. span>Nonetheless the insurance carrier still offered $3500.00 to avoid anpeal.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Againpleaded with the client to accept, but again he refused. A jury found for the defendant as well,d my client blamed it all on me. span>In large part he was right. span>I didnÕt have enough control. span>I couldnÕt persuade him that the liability was Òiffy,Ó and I couldnÕtrsuade him to accept a fair offer of settlement. I also couldnÕt persuade him not to wear a dress at theial.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Ine years since, I have always insisted on maintaining control of all my cases,d I have developed a top ten list of techniques intended to do justat. My system is based on twoually fundamental concepts, respect and prevarication. Give it a try. I am certain that those of you who havefficulty maintaining control of the client will find this tack highlyfective.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 1. Impress the client with your importance hanging up an autographed photograph of any recent American president exceptxon.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 2. A professional mien is essential forspiring confidence in the client. span>DonÕt say ÒwhoopeeÓ when you collect your fee.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 3. Avoid such phrases as ÒWell, IÕllÓ and ÒWhoÕda thunk it.Ó

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 4. Refer to Justices of the U.S. Supremeurt by their first names, e.g., Bill, Sandy, Tony-Clarence.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 5. DonÕs let the client see how irkedu are because your malpractice carrier put you in the assigned risk pool.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 6. Prominently carry your cellularone at all times, even if it doesnÕt work.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 7. Always refer to opposing counsel ashat dweeb.Ó

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 8. When scheduling appointments withients, never say ÒOh, I can see you any time at all next week.Ó

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 9. DonÕt ever hold yourself out as anpert in any field unless you know a colleague who really is.

p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> 10. Tell your client that the reason younÕt have a law library is that itÕs all inside your head.

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p class=MsoNormal style='line-height:200%'> Inse any of you wonder why I am willing to share such invaluable trade secrets openly with my colleagues, thereÕs really a simple explanation. The truth is if we ever end up onposite sides of the same case, it is very much to my advantage if you canntrol your client. Then all Ive to be concerned about is controlling you.

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